Children with autism face doors shutting in their social world, perhaps more so than children with other disabilities. Although this may be especially painful for us as parents, the reality is, as our cute little children grow older, they grow bigger and harder to manage, and less cute. Parents need to start mobilizing a team of "angels" who will support and befriend them, and even on occasion relieve them so parents can go out or have some "alone time" with their other children.

In schools, "shadows" are assigned to be one-on-one, primarily looking after one child with a severe disability, like an autism spectrum disorder. The shadow is there to anticipate, redirect, and serve as that extra pair of hands. Their training is important, but not nearly as important as their ability to connect.

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Our older son was a natural shadow and coach to his brother, who is over three years younger. Ezra worked while in college as a "shadow" at a nursery school for a 4-year-old boy with autism, and now works professionally in a school for children on the autism spectrum. The shadow can teach valuable skills, such as how to have a conversation, street and safety smarts, how to throw a ball, or to say "thank you" using eye contact.

However, a shadow does not do the work for the child. Rather, he models how to get dressed or fix a sandwich. Eating is a big deal. Children with autism frequently have food sensitivities. A shadow can help at stressful meal times. At school, it might be to offset a potential tantrum if a new food not on the menu is served.

Sometimes a day program, religious school, after-school program, or camp will provide a one-on-one shadow for little or no extra cost. We were fortunate for Zach: we paid a nominal fee for older teens to shadow him during regular, weekly "mainstream" Hebrew school. You may need to get a doctor's or psychologist's report to receive funding from your school district for a shadow. Ask your special education committee chairperson.

The best a shadow has to offer is a gentle, consistent, yet demanding approach, relating to her charge as someone who can do better and perform tasks ahead of what is expected by the teachers or parents. Parents need to look for potential shadows: people with the ability to connect, compassion, energy, and creativity. Their degree of sensitivity is more important than any professional degree. Shadows come in handy on a rainy day, or for a special occasion. They are heroes, often unsung, but angels to families with children with autism.

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