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What No One Tells the Mom: Surviving the Early Years of Parenthood with Your Sanity, Your Sex Life and Your Sense of Humor Intact
What No One Tells the Bride: Surviving the Wedding, Sex after the Honeymoon
Timeless Healing

Marg is the author of What No One Tells the Mom (Perigee, 2005) and the perennial bestseller What No One Tells the Bride (Hyperion, 1998). Her magazine articles have appeared in Parents, Ladies Home Journal, Readers Digest, Prevention, and Bridal Guide among others. A funny, down-to-earth expert, Stark has appeared on hundreds of radio and TV shows, including ABC's "The View," CBS' "This Morning," "The Danny Bonaduce Show," and the "Oliver North" radio program. She lives with her husband Duke and their two sons in sunny San Diego, California.

You know those high-profile press conferences in which reporters vie for attention, bobbing and begging to be called upon with their important questions? Every mom I know entertains a similar forum of nagging concerns — a host of badgering priorities and questions she carries around in her head day in and day out. "Madam Secretary," the inner dialogue goes, "how will you be addressing the complaint that the school lunches you pack are boring?"  Or, "Mrs. President, are you concerned that your kindergartener's playground aggression might lead to future delinquency?"

When I interviewed more than 100 moms for my book, What No One Tells the Mom (Perigee, 2005), everyone bashed the supermom syndrome that gnaws at them to do more. Yet, tap into their inner dialogue, and the degree of self-questioning and mommy grade card assessment is immediately evident.  Many moms reported feeling mentally exhausted much of the time, without acknowledging the CNN-like, constant coverage they maintain over all things family-related.

This is the supermom syndrome: not the stated intent to be all things to all people, but a set of pervasive inner standards that demand it. You may wear sweats to pick the kids up at preschool, but inside, you're flogging yourself because the mom next to you is dressed in a trendy top or jeans that make her derriere look small.  You may tell yourself it was for the best that you missed the deadline to sign your son up for soccer, but you relive the guilt each time a mom asks you why Brandon isn't playing this season.

That's why "the secrets to pampering yourself" articles we read in magazines leave us cold. Few appreciate the cult-like degree to which moms are programmed, and how deeply burned-out many of us are in the process of becoming. It isn't just that our libidos are flagging — it's that our libidos have been buried under layers and layers of duties, tensions, and lists of ways in which we're sub-par.

So, how do we lighten up? How do we become moms who like ourselves and who know how to turn off our tensions?  How do we enable our families to enjoy a richer, less stressful life? Start with tuning into your inner press conference. For a few minutes every day, monitor how you talk to yourself, how you measure and celebrate the little accomplishments that make up a mother's life.

Yesterday for example, I had to turn the minivan around twice to return to the YMCA locker room, first for the eyeglasses and then for the baseball cap my son left there between swim lessons and baseball practice. Did I make a mental note that I ought to have separate duffles for swimming and baseball? Did I check off the "learning opportunities" offered by this debacle, encouraging my son to speak to "Lost and Found" at the YMCA about his belongings and to his baseball coach when the cap went missing?

Yes, I did. But then, when my son was safely delivered to his game, albeit 45 minutes late, I took a minute to congratulate myself for not losing my temper, for not turning the last hour into a screaming, shaming session. I delivered a clear endorsement to my psyche for doing the best I could, under ridiculously annoying circumstances.

In What No One Tells the Mom, mommy veterans offer lots of concrete examples of ways to tone down or tune out their inner critics. Learn, as we have, that you need not enroll your child in extra-curricular activities every semester.  Consider ways in which you could cut back on being fabulous, if it meant you got a few moments to yourself or to enjoy your family more.

Get together with a like-minded group of moms and share the insane, obsessive thinking to which all of us are susceptible. In the company of women who understand, someone will say something wise like "This too shall pass." Another mom will reassure you that your child won't still be sleeping in your room when he goes to college. In a circle of moms trying to identify rational, reasonable expectations, you'll find permission to let up on yourself — the first step to drowning out pester-some voices in your head!

© 2006, Marg Stark.

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